I realise it may seem I am jumping the gun a little here by looking forward to the next Olympics when the current Games still have a week to go. But what I'm talking about is that you, dear reader, can look forward to seeing me at the Beijing Olympics in 2008. Not, as you are probably thinking, as a spectator. No! I will be there.. as an athlete.
Yes, that's right, I am determined to compete in the next Olympics. I should probably mention that every time the Olympics come around I start to plan for my spectacular debut in the next Games, and obviously it's yet to happen. Still, that hasn't stopped my dreams of Olympic glory from once again rearing their eager little head. As I have absolutely no sporting prowess to speak of, I have begun the process of elimination to determine which event I might possibly compete in.
For starters, I'm getting on a bit, so a number of sports are an impossibility to take up as I'm just too old: think your gymnastics, your swimming, your athletics, your tennis, etc.
I'm far too self-absorbed to want to share my moment of glory with a bunch of other people, so all large team sports are a definite no.
Anything that involves a boat of any description, or a bicycle, looks like far too much hard work. Let's face it, I'm inherently lazy.
I quite fancy the equestrian because the horse seems to do all the hard work, but I don't own a horse. Nor can I afford to buy one. And if I could afford to buy one, I can't afford the upkeep. So that's out.
I'm a known pacifist, so any sport that involves either punching or kicking or otherwise using parts of my body to inflict pain on someone else's would go against my core beliefs. That rules out boxing, judo, taekwondo and wrestling. Oh, I'm also uncomfortable around guns. Bye bye shooting.
I have a dodgy back and am not supposed to lift heavy weights. I think it's pretty obvious which sport needs that crucial skill!
Sports that involve wearing skimpy swimming suits would be unwise, due to my self-conscious nature. Plus, I don't feel the need for the world to see significant portions of my flesh. That includes your diving, your synchonised swimming, and your trampolining.
(Such a shame, because the trampolining looks like great fun! They bounce scarily high, I think I could do that. But the twirly whirly bits in between would probably pose an impossible challenge considering my lack of gymnastic training.)
Basically I'm left with the following sports: archery, badminton, fencing and table tennis.
When I mentioned earlier that I have no sporting prowess to speak of, I wasn't being entirely honest. In my younger days I was known to engage in a bit of badminton and table tennis from time to time. Unfortunately my skills in badminton were basically limited to hitting the shuttlecock really hard to send it sailing on to the roof of our home. Hmm, considering that's not the actual point of badminton, I think I better cancel that one. As for table tennis, frankly I find that a bit stupid. I don't want to compete in anything stupid!
Now archery is a definite contender! Some years ago a physiotherapist actually recommended I take up archery to strengthen my dodgy back.. but I ignored that sound advice and I think my lousy distance vision might stand against me hitting the right part of the target. Or any part of the target. Can you wear glasses while you have a bow and arrow smushed against your nose?
That leaves fencing. Fencing! I personally thought this would be far too difficult after having seen so many wonderfully intricate fencing matches in movies. They look like an intricate dance, and involve much high-speed attack and defense. I don't know that I have the requisite hand-eye-foot co-ordination to engage in such feats.
But Olympic fencing is nothing like that at all. No indeed. Olympic fencing involves the far simpler sequence of: "prance, prance, jab, stop" and repeat, ad infinitum. I've already tried this sequence out and it didn't pose any great difficulties. Furthermore, with all that protective equipment on the body, I need not worry about offending my pacifist nature because honestly, how much damage could you inflict?! Finally, there's the awesome bonus of being permitted to act like a right moron when you win the gold medal! Now I know many competitors in many sports carry on a bit when they win, but the fencers really go overboard. Everyone gets involved! It's a big self-indulgent "I am the greatest!" party! WOO WOO!!
Oh yes, I can see it now..
Look for me, Beijing 2008, dressed in angelic white with a big pointy skewer in my hand, prancin' and jabbin' with the best of them.
Or maybe I'll just stick to my daydreams of Olympic glory and let the professionals do the real thing. :-)
currently watching: big men attempting to lift heavy objects over their heads