Resurrecting the blog.

It’s been a long time since I last blogged. I’ve decided to resurrect my blog to document my journey back to mental health and well-being, which I have been doing on my Facebook account but some of my status updates were getting rather long and cumbersome.

For anyone who stumbles upon this blog and doesn’t know, the current point in my mental health journey sometimes feels like it is still just beginning despite the fact I had my breakdown in April 2018. I did rally somewhat from that initial breakdown only to have another in July. This one landed me in the Prince Charles Hospital for a 6 night stint in their Mental Health Wards. I really haven’t made much progress since then, despite a additional 3 week stay in the Mental Health Wards at Caboolture Hospital in November. 

Where am I today? Today was day 1 of starting a new antidepressant: Effexor XR. I have been on a bit of a cocktail of drugs since my breakdown with complete changes when I was in Caboolture Hospital. Unfortunately I haven’t yet found the right medication and/or combination of medications to get me to a sufficiently functioning place to be able to tackle my mental illness... a severe generalised anxiety disorder with (practically housebound) agoraphobia. I have been weaned off medications (sometimes much too quickly) and started on others that have had little to no effect. I have very high hopes for the Effexor because I need to - I am running out of options. It’s a scary thought.

Day 1 was not too bad, as you’d expect as the drug hasn’t had a chance to build up in my system yet. Despite this, I did spend a few hours this morning feeling anxious about potential side effects. The last antidepressant I tried (just last week) had side effects I found so unpleasant that I gave up after 4 days. This time I know I need to do everything to try and stick it out if side effects come on. The one that always gets me is nausea. Why is that, you ask? Well, nausea happens to be one of the main side effects I experience with my anxiety. My agoraphobia stems from a fear of being ill in public and embarrassing myself. This has never, ever, not once, happened. My rational brain knows this. My unhelpful thoughts choose to be intrusive and make me think ‘but this time might be different’. I’ve taken to carrying a sick bag in my handbag. I really look forward to the day I take that damn thing out of there.

So that’s a bit of an intro/where I’m at. I don’t know how often I’ll post but I might use this as a public journal of sorts. People say I’m brave for being so open about my mental illness but I see it as just trying to help people understand what I (and so many others) are going through.

My goal is to get my life back. One year ago I was working, spending time with friends, going to the theatre and for the most part, really enjoying life. I know that if I was there, I can get back to that. Also, I’ve beaten this before... but that was a long time ago and a different story to be told.

Thoughtless, self-involved people

Mobile phones are certainly a useful invention. I personally appreciate the security that my mobile offers me. It's comforting to know that if I'm driving alone on some lonely stretch of highway in the middle of nowhere and my car should happen to choose that precise moment to break down, then I can immediately call for assistance. Oh, unless of course I'm in a "no mobile signal" zone, in which case, my "security blanket" mobile phone is completely useless..! But I'm sure you get my point.

I don't use my mobile phone a great deal to make calls, nor do I receive many, but I do a bit of social sms'ing. I don't really feel the need to be contactable 100% of the time and thusly my mobile phone isn't always switched ON, but it seems there are those in society who are so self-important that they simply MUST be available for anyone to contact them, any time, day or night, no matter where they are.

I consider these people thoughtless and self-involved.

Now, I do believe there are exceptions to this rule - depending on your profession. But the particular person who triggered this here rant is NOT an exception.

That person happened to be in the cinema yesterday, *in theory* enjoying the same movie that I was (Bridge to Terabithia, for those playing at home). The movie is quite beautiful and surprisingly emotional. During the key emotional scene (which actually made me teary, thereby proving I had become emotionally invested in the movie and had been swept into the "movie world", the whole point of going to the cinema as far as I'm concerned), what should happen but *RING RING*. Lo, a mobile phone!

I can forgive someone who may be just so absentminded that they forget to switch off their mobile prior to entering the cinema, but I know for a fact this was not the case. How do I know? Because it was the second time this person's mobile had rung during the movie!

Were they so important a person (eg. a doctor on call) that they simply had to leave their phone on? No they were not! Why? Because they didn't answer their damn phone! The first time it rang a good half-dozen rings before they stopped it, not leaving the cinema to take the call as they would have if they were indeed an important person who needed to be contacted. I forgave them this interruption. But to have then left their phone on so it would ring again, and during the emotional climax of the movie, that is unforgivable!

Unfortunately I couldn't see who it was to steal their phone and flush it down the toilet, as they so deserved. What a complete shame!

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Gut Shot!

I had a dream the other night in which a crazed gunman shot me, point blank, right in the stomach. There was no pain, but there sure was a lot of blood. Dream me looked down at it gushing, gushing, gushing out of my belly.

Quite disturbing really. Analyse that, dream analyst people!

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Gold Class for singles

There's no such thing - but there should be, dammit! I moseyed on down to my local Gold Class cinema on Friday night to see Transformers (it's fun, go see it!) and discovered that the Gold Class staff don't seem to accept the possibility that single people enjoy Gold Class too. Now, I do want to make it very clear that the staff were all lovely, professional and courteous (as you would expect), but they just couldn't grasp my solitary presence.

Here's how the evening played out:

Kez presents print@home ticket to Gold Class Staff Member 1 (from here to be known as GCSM-1).
GCSM-1: "Seat B8 - just the one seat then?"
Kez: *quite jazzed at this stage* "That's right!"
Kez wanders over to the bar, perusing the menu. She hands her ticket to GCSM-2.
GCSM-2: "So is it just seat B8?"
Kez: *feeling slightly miffed* "Yeah.. can I get a glass of wine now? And um, one for later?"
Kez heads into the theatre. GCSM-3, usher extraordinaire, glances at Kez's ticket stub.
GCSM-3: "Seats B7 and B8, second row from the front, on the right."
Kez walks to seat muttering about "No freakin' B7 here, mate!"

Two hours later, having enjoyed a coupla wines and a mighty entertaining movie, I had forgotten the frustrations of being a single lass in a couples' world. But it still makes for an episode worth venting about on a blog. And I still like the idea of Gold Class for singles! Especially if everyone gets their OWN dinky little oval table, instead of having to share!

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forgotten friends

dilemma.

Once upon a time you had this really good friend. After a period of friendship, you realised you had stronger feelings for this friend. You dug deep, found some courage, and confessed to this friend that you had feelings.

Your feelings were rejected. The friendship continued for a short while, but then it fizzled out. Time passed.

One day, you started to think of your forgotten good friend. You missed that friendship, and thought how nice it would be to rekindle it. You located contact information for your forgotten friend.

You wondered whether it would be worth attempting to rekindle the friendship. Would the old feelings resurface and prematurely end the friendship again? Would the friend not be interested in even a friendship anyway? Would you have been completely forgotten? Is it fair to re-establish contact when it wasn't you who ended it first time around? Should the past be left right there where it belongs? Does history repeat?

Do I ask too many questions?

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Where's my Snow Patrol CD?

And my Snow Patrol ticket? I'm sure I purchased it a few weeks back, which is ample time for you (Ticketek) to mail it out to me. And I know it can't have gotten lost in the mail since you (Ticketek) have to send it registered because it's a GA ticket. C'mon Ticketek, don't make me worry unnecessarily!

Meanwhile, I think it's quaint that Snow Patrol are giving away a free CD with every concert ticket purchased. Mine's goin' straight on eBay! (Where it's sure to make me a cool 50c, what with the gazillions of Snow Patrol CDs that will flood eBay since a large portion of the people buying tickets to their show would *already have the CD*.) I sound a bit unappreciative here, don't I? I should really be grateful that any band gives away any kind of bonus when you fork out your hard-earned dosh to see 'em in concert.

So anyway, Snow Patrol are fifth in line in terms of concerts/musical events I shall be gracing with my presence during the next few months. YAHOOOOO!!! First up, this weekend is the loverly Kate Miller-Heidke, whom I am most excited to see as this will be my first time experiencing her music live. She's blessed with an exquisite voice and impressive vocal range, and some mad quirky songwriting skills, which makes for a splendid mix. (And she looks quite the saucy minx on her album cover!)

I'm off to see her in the company of me, myself and I, which is my usual company for concerts. I've never managed to find myself a concert buddy - either people I meet aren't much for live music, or they have different musical tastes. I'm well practiced at the loner-concert-goer thing by now, and mostly it doesn't bother me, but I've gotta say that the pre-concert period and any interval between acts is kind of a downer. Sometimes you can find some friendly strangers to gab with, but often it's a case of people stoically avoiding eye-contact! It makes me wonder if they equate being alone with being a loser, and therefore a person to be ignored. Or have we all just held too closely to stranger danger education as we've progressed into adulthood? I mean, I *could* be hiding lots of candy in my purse that I will use to tempt you, if only you meet my eyes..

hey! Maybe I could find myself some concert buddy friends if I started offering random people candy! "Have some candy! Now be my concert buddy!" Yes, this plan has potential!

now returning you from that tangent..

"Chasing Cars" was a great song pre-"Grey's Anatomy" and it will be a great song post-"Grey's Anatomy". That is all.

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Rebirth

And on the 24th day of the 6th month, in the year oh-seven, the blogGods doth smile upon irregular muzings and deem it worthy. "Thusly are you rebirthed, muzings" they doth declared. "Type forth and blog!"

I have missed my little piece of internet real estate, where I am free to talk as much as I like, about anything I should wish, without having to worry about whether anyone is listening or, if they are, are actually caring. We're all guilty of sometimes not really listening when people speak to us, but here it doesn't matter! And so say I, this is good!

And that begins the rebirth of irregular muzings. Much has changed since my last post, when I was still a university student (degree - check!) and blissful in that warm, well-padded cocoon of higher education. Now I wander through the big bad working world, still with an appropriate sense of wonder - at least outside of the hours of 9-to-5, but sometimes during. And time marches on with me ever chasing, hollering "just stop one moment and let me catch up, won't you?!" Not literally of course, because that would be inappropriate societal behaviour. And we surely can't engage in too much of that!

So let's get this thing kicked off and see how it goes, second time around.

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Nine minutes of free Serenity

So here's an interesting marketing strategy. Universal, the film company behind Serenity, have made available the opening sequence of the film, which you can stream and watch for free. Not a bad idea I'm thinking. While the opening sequence is far from the best moment in the film (er, when is it ever?) it does have its moments and mayhaps provide enough enticement for people to go "ooh, I have to know what happens next!" Or, people might watch it and go "well that one's not for me" which is okay too - but how nice of Universal to give people that opportunity for free.

And yes, granted, it's all one big marketing ploy - however, it strikes me as one of the few that is actually good for (potential) consumers!

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